Off and running...

So I started prepping for my course on Monday. My mentor seems very pleased with my work, so at this point, the work isn't so bad. I had starting creating my documents beforehand so I wouldn't be hit with so much stuff at once, so one can say I prepped for the prep. Yes, I am a wonderful candidate for the military, I know.

The courses I am teaching are about Effective Essay Writing so that should be fun. I love to write, and I will be learning right along with my students, as I am sure these are topics I haven't visited in some years, but know in an esoteric sense. Did I use that word properly? I have been dying to write that word, I just like the sound of it. Anyway, it's cloudy and will most likely rain and it's cold here. That's a lot of adjectives, huh? Looking forward to the rest of this week, because I may have an interview tomorrow...hollah!

Why graduations suck...

Because school will no longer be an excuse for why you're not in a relationship. Apparently.

Lunchtime stories...

Today, I went to heat up my lunch: tuna casserole. As I was heating up my lunch, I started thinking about how I was never satisfied. I feel like everything that I do is not enough. My degree doesn't even feel real. I think that's why I have been trying to celebrate as much as possible. I am trying to acknowledge my accomplishments and be satisfied, but I still can't help but feel like I have to move on to the next thing.

The microwave beeped and I went to take my food out when the whole dish went sprawling, in and under the microwave and on top of the mini-fridge, where the microwave resides. I cleaned up the mess (meaning I put it back in the container to eat because I have no other food) and I went to grab one of the Lysol wipes from the container and the wipe slapped me in the face. Symbolism, anyone?

Now what?

I sit here researching "Calls for Papers" and writers workshops. The realization that graduate school is now over and I am free to pursue my interests is paradoxically paralyzing. Do I pursue my creativity and write original work, or do I write papers about other people's works of genius? I had many opportunities to do original work, to express myself creatively, and I have always chosen the path of least resistance. Fear has propelled me to go the "safe" route, knowing that there is a future in teaching. There is a future in writing as well, it's just that the audience must love what you create. Otherwise, you will just have a smattering of fans, mostly friends and family, telling you what a great writer you are and how they someday hope someone notices. That's not enough. I write to be read, and read by a wide audience. There is no point in sharing my stories if no one is around to read or comment on them, is there?

This time I think I will go the tougher route and see if I have what it takes to be a real writer. I can still keep my day job, and I can still continue to get that steady income, but I think my spare time should be devoted to writing more.

And now that I say that, I have no ideas.

A graduation story

So on Saturday, we headed to William Paterson University. My niece had a dance recital there, and my sister and her son drove with us so we popped in her Magellan. I always get lost going places (especially in NJ) but I was still hesitant about the GPS because I have trouble understanding how it works. For example, if I am on the right road and going in the right direction, I don't see why the machine tells me to stay on the road. It threw me off so I kept making wrong turns and she kept going, "Calculating route" to help my stupid ass get back on track. Needless to say, I was cursing that machine the whole time we were driving. My sister brought an iguana puppet for my nephew so she was using it to tell my nephew that I didn't know what I was doing so naturally I tried to smother the iguana puppet. Finally, we did get there.

The next night was my graduation ceremony. It was just my sisters and my mother so it was just like old times. We stopped at a diner for dessert and my mother and sisters gave me my presents. My sisters presents were very thoughtful and one of their card's made me cry. My mom kept saying I was going to hate her present and I asked her how did she know that, and she just kept saying I could return it if I wanted. So finally I unwrap it and what is it?

A GPS.

I loved it.

This picture needs no explanation...

Why, oh why didn't I go to Fordham?

So my graduation convocation is this Sunday. It's basically a smaller ceremony for the Graduate School. Well, my University is so fucking (wiggity wiggity) WACK that they originally only let you request two tickets. There are four people in my immediate family alone, which meant I had to request two extra tickets. The convocation takes place in an outdoor amphitheater which has limited seating, hence the stranglehold on the tickets.

I go by to pick up my tickets and I am told if I want to get more, come back Thursday, they are available on a first-come, first-serve basis.

Today is Thursday.

Instead, we got two tickets for the theater next door, where there will be a televised version of my ceremony. Seriously? I know I am captivating but as excruciating as these ceremonies are, who's going to fucking watch it televised?

The Graduate School is not budging on this. They claim seating is limited. First of all, I know not everyone will show up. Last year, we had 837 graduates from the Graduate School. I should know, I work for the Institutional Research department. There is more than enough seating for everyone, even if they showed up (which they won't because my University is wiggity wiggity WACK).

Many things about this bother me, especially because we get so much money from students, but when it comes to honoring them, this is the shit we are served. My big graduation is on...are you ready for this? Next Friday at 10 a.m. at the Continental Airlines arena. Are any of you free on Friday at 10 a.m., because my retired mom and unemployed (2 year old) niece will be there. Alone. My University has no qualms about charging $125 for a late tuition fee but can't shell out two fake tickets for an outside graduation ceremony.

Jesus, world. Why didn't I go to Fordham?

I've been working on another blog...

I still like this one of course. My other blog is a record of incidents for a memoir I would like to write. Feel free to visit it at neuroticmemoirs.blogspot.com.

Yes, life is still boring. I am happy to say I still workout and eat right. I did try Zumba on Saturday. So much fun! I already know how to dance to Spanish music so it was a breeze. Loved it! Loved it so much, in fact, that I bought the DVDs and I am making my sister do them with me at her house. This Saturday, I am going to try the Hip Hop class. I always liked dancing and I think I should have gone into Performing Arts but c'est la vie. Maybe in my next life.

Weekends seem so short!

It's Monday already. Damn. On Friday, I went to NY to some overrated dive bar. I wound up leaving and going to one which wasn't so...Jersey. It's just the other place looked like a bunch of people who acted as thought they thought they should act because they were in a NY bar, but they were still people from NJ. Backwards baseball caps, flip flops, and halter tops. That's what was going on as far as the eye could see. I had a plaid shirt on and my engineer boots, so I clearly didn't fit in. We went to another place which was a couple of avenues East and it was much better. Still dive-y, which I love, but much less people who were trying too hard. I had a splitting headache though, which never quit, so we called it a night by 12:30 a.m. I took my pal home and I went to bed, since I was going to mass in the morning.

Saturday, I wound up going around to church, the mall, the gym, Walmart, the dollar store, A&P, another dollar store, Kmart, and then home. By the time I got home, it was 7:30 p.m. I was so tired I wound up going to bed at 8:30. Sad, huh? I only got like 4 hours of sleep the night before though.

My mom had it worse, though. She must have a clot or burst a vein in the back of her leg from going all over town on Saturday, so she's in pretty bad shape. Between going back and forth on whether or not she should go to the doctor or take aspirin and wait it out, she's kind of driving me crazy. My aunt and uncle are going to take her this morning since they are both retired and have the time to do so. Thank God for extended family!

Getting back into a routine...

I decided to go to Praise and Worship last night. I figured it had been a long time since I'd been and I have a lot to be thankful for, namely the two people who let me down this week and the revelations that occurred as a result.

We actually prayed a rosary yesterday, which I am sure helped many of us. I got home and watched a little of my Felicity dvd (I am almost through with the series) and then went to sleep. Today, I feel refreshed, and as much as I'd like to see the sun today, it doesn't look as though it's going to happen. Tonight is TCBY (Relay for Life fundraiser) and art class and my return to the gym after a week-long hiatus. It's amazing what happens when you stop trying to stay in shape. I've been eating way too much and have no structure. Back to the gym I go!

This will be my wedding song some day...

Crazy stalker on Facebook!!!

Crazy stalker fellow, who almost turned me off to social networking, is on Facebook, and he is friends with my brother-in-law. But, Facebook has this awesome blocking feature, which I immediately put into effect, so I don't see him, and he can't see me, search for me, see my posts (and subsequently comment on them). Finally, we can co-exist.

I love peace.

Busy May

This whole month is pretty busy, and I am not even in school anymore. It's just my graduation ceremonies, Mother's day, Mom's birthday, my niece's recital. Things aren't slowing down until after the 22nd, which is a little nuts.

However, I like the busy-ness. It's better than sitting around eating a pint of ice cream (which did NOT happen the other day) or crying while you are cleaning your apartment (which also didn't happen yesterday). No, being busy trumps all of those miserable situations.

Tonight, my mother and I will be reprising our Tuesday night free movie ritual. Hannah Montana - the movie. I really didn't want to see that, but it's only 90 minutes. I wanted to see the other trainwreck, Obsessed. It looks like those bad Lifetime movies I love to hate. Oh well. Maybe next time.

Why am I so emotional about this?

Yes, I tend to be quite pensive at certain points in my life, and this is one of those periods in my life. This is what I have come up with so far regarding the walk and being disappointed:

I don't want to have high expectations because I set myself up for disappointment, but the reason I have expectations is because I am optimistic and I want to believe the best out of people and why should I lose that? Because a couple of losers who can't keep their word if their life depended on it? Why should I change because other people are unreliable?

I feel I should be clear and re-iterate that it's not the fact that they didn't show that upsets me. It's that they said they would come and didn't. I have confronted both people about this (my disappointment, hurt, and anger) and with regard to one of them. I trekked to Chinatown on a late Thursday night BY MYSELF to see his band play, only to be ignored because his insecure girlfriend was there. And trust me, I am a big girl. I talked to his friends who I had never met before, and then I went home once the set was over.

So here's the thing: I know it was my choice to go to Chinatown, but I did it because it was important to him. Which I finally told him, because he needed to know that friends make sacrifices for other friends when something is important to them. It's part of that whole "give/take" aspect of friendship. It's stewardship. It's selfless. It separates us from the animals, although I have seen animals show a great deal of compassion for each other than we do for our fellow others.

I am by no means perfect. I have not gone to events. But I haven't consistently let people down. That's all these two seem to do, yet seem compelled to patronize and protest to me that they don't. That wonderful aphorism, "Know thyself" comes to mind. I make no qualms about who I am. I know I can be impossible and impatient, but I can also be passionate and understanding. I try not to let people down and I try to love others despite their faults. However, I cannot be a doormat, and there is a fine line between being humble and being a doormat, and that line has been crossed. Once I let the two know how I felt, I retreated. I don't plan on keeping up any correspondence with them, so I should find myself with less disappointment at the end of the day. And that's all I want.

Gratitude

I have always been the kind of person who has very few friends and many acquaintances. This past weekend, I realized why. My walk was on Saturday, and although a few people responded that they would go, when it really came down to the wire, only Airwoman showed.

I didn't really expect anyone but her to go anyway, but I did feel it was so crappy that those who said yes didn't even send me a message saying they wouldn't make it, or at least wish me luck on the walk, or tell me later that they were sorry they couldn't make it. Of course, J said he woke up late. Seriously. It was a three mile (round trip) walk. I am not the kind of person who can't keep my word, so I really don't understand why others don't. Or why they go out of their way to try to convince you that they will go to places when you know they won't. It's almost like they want to trick you. Why do I associate with these people and how do I get them to go away? Do I just ignore them or do I tell them what's what?

But let's get to the part where I am grateful:

• My mom walked with us despite the fact that it was her birthday
• My sister raised $600 for the event and then gave me the free duffel bag she earned :'(
• Airwoman walked and wrote "I am walking for my BFF" on the sticker on her back

And that's why love is the ultimate gift you can give to anyone, because it wasn't about the walk. It was about sacrifice. That's one thing for which I have to be grateful to the One Above, because I can lack in many things, but I never lack for love.